Ah, the mooch. All of us have met these individuals before. All of us probably know at least one such person at the present moment. You may even be one yourself (if so, don’t be too shy to raise your arms proudly and shout, “Woohoo! I ate well today, and none of that food was mine! Or paid for by me! W00t!”). Since I’m a part of the human race (I live in human society at any rate, so I guess that counts), I have the dishonor of knowing such an individual. Hence, just like everyone else reading this blog, I’m in the position of giving expert advice to inspiring mooches on how to get the most out of suckers–er, people–you know by obeying a few tried and simple rules we’ve all seen mooches expertly take advantage of. And taking advantage of others is what mooches do best, after all!
Disclaimer alert: As unpleasant as these people can be–except when we’re pointing them out and making fun of them–I don’t think I run the risk of creating too many new mooches with the advice I’m about to give on this blog entry. Let’s face it, if someone truly wants to be a mooch, we all know they will tend to learn the following rules via long periods of trial and error anyway. So what the hell, right?
Without further adieu, here is what you do to become a better mooch. Learn to follow these rules, and you will be well on your way to mastering the art of bilking others out of their time and food at no cost to yourself save your humility; and you can’t sustain yourself on humility, right?
1) Cater to your good judgment by identifying the best targets to mooch off of regularly. People who are overly generous to the point of being total suckers are among the best choices. So are caring family members, particularly parents, who feel a strong residual obligation to take care of you long past your childhood of forced dependence. Individuals who are too “polite” to say “no” can quickly be made to become putty in your hands, with their food ending up in your hands (before it’s stuffed into your eager gullet).
2) How well you observe the regular times of the day when your chosen targets typically have their meals is crucial to the art of becoming an effective mooch. Before too long, you can make a habit of just happening to drop by during these moments of culinary consumption. If they’re already eating, easily moochable targets will feel obligated to offer you some of the meal. And you know that.
3) Responsibilities to keep plans with others who are not readily moochable must take a back seat to your priorities, which are to make sure your schedule is open to coincide with the meal times of your favored targets. If you have to cancel plans with someone, even at the last minute, do not hesitate to do that. Mooches are not known for consideration of others over themselves, and since you’re striving to be one, fuck those imbeciles you call friends.
4) Is your conscience getting the best of you at times? Don’t worry, mooches tend to be good at putting their conscience aside to do their thing. If you ever find your conscience gnawing at you, just think of all that awesome gnawing you can be doing on someone else’s food if you simply stop worrying so damn much about using others.
5) Something you can do to reinforce the above if your conscience ever becomes particularly strong is to resort to the time-tested method of all people that use others: rationalizations! Just keep telling yourself that the people you mooch on either owe you for this or that (use your imagination if you can’t actually think of something!), or that they “don’t mind,” or simply remind yourself they are too polite to complain. Remember this advice if you remember nothing else, moochers: when in doubt, rationalize!
6) To become an effective mooch, you need to get into the habit of thinking nothing of disappointing others on many levels. You need to be okay with breaking plans with others, eating food that you didn’t pay for, going to the same people’s houses unannounced over and over again, and always when they tend to be most likely trying to enjoy a meal. If you find it difficult to do this, and you’re overly concerned about being intrusive to others, then I’m sorry, but your conscience is just too strong to become an effective mooch. You’re just going to have to live with that and begin subsisting on your own food.
7) In regards to rationalizing, make note of a few of the most effective ones. You can tell yourself and others that you constantly go to your favored targets’ homes to “help” them. If you want to make this more convincing, just casually ask your targets if they need you to do some easily accomplished favor. Yanno, like washing any dishes you use, or throwing out paper plates if they use them. Don’t worry about doing this, because suckers with an overblown sense of generosity are not likely to take you up on the offer since they don’t want to inconvenience you. Keep in mind that inconveniencing others is something that moochers like you do, not your preferred targets. It’s as simple as that!
8) Never worry about anyone calling you on your mooching, because your skill at rationalizing can also be put to work at countering such justifiable accusations. You can try loudly responding with “that’s not true!” so many times that even you may eventually come to believe it. Or you can resort to guilt-tripping these annoying finger-pointers by accusing them of being cruel for using a continued set of “obvious coincidences” regarding your always arriving during meal times against you. Or, if all else fails, you can throw this common disingenuous refutation at them: “Fuck you! You don’t know me!” They actually know your type quite well, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to convince them otherwise.
9) Entering someone else’s house unawares is a good way to “catch” them in the midst of a meal without giving them any time to finish eating before you arrive. This is why family members who trust you with a key to their front door make ideal targets to mooch off of. To look innocent, try to act as surprised as you can to find them in the middle of a meal by saying, with mock astonishment, “Oh, you’re having eggs!” Then you know that they will feel obligated to follow that up with, “Um, yes, we are. Would you like some?” Also make a point to whine about not being able to buy enough food for yourself, but if the target in question is prone to lecturing you about managing your finances better in response, then you may want to instead consider making the following type of mewling complaint: “I’m soooooo busy lately, I never seem to have the time to have dinner…”
So there you go, some good advice on how to be the best type of mooch there is. Now all you have to do is find your ideal target to take advantage of, and get on with practicing your craft! You have nothing to lose but respect, and all the free food you could ever eat to gain!